Our pregnancy was not a result of the pandemic or quarantine. It took us nearly a year to conceive, following a miscarriage last year and an abortion eight years ago. Despite being a planned and calculated decision, our family planning journey was not as easy as we thought it would be.

Recovering from the pregnancy loss over the last eight months has been difficult, and I have experienced moments of grief and anxiety. My hormones were all over the place, and I didn’t feel back to myself until February 2020. Then, like many women, I was left wondering if I could ever carry a pregnancy to term.

As my partner and I continued to try to conceive, I experienced several months of disappointment when my period came every cycle. The cycle before I found out, I was pregnant. I consulted with my doctor about infertility and what steps I needed to take if this did not work. My OB-GYN reviewed my medical history and assured me that I was doing everything right and that we had nothing to worry about.

Despite the good news, I was still anxious, and when I received a positive pregnancy test, I was terrified. I had read that after experiencing a miscarriage, the joy of a positive pregnancy test is ruined. I didn’t want to get excited because I didn’t know if this pregnancy would be viable.

During the first few weeks, I peed on an hCG strip every day to see if the pregnancy was still viable. I was constantly worried that a miscarriage would occur. When I finally made an appointment with the doctor to confirm my pregnancy, they didn’t want to see me until week 8, even though I had a previous miscarriage.

Four more weeks of waiting until I know if this pregnancy is okay? How will I survive this? I had to take it one day at a time.

As soon as I received a positive pregnancy test, I had to make changes to my lifestyle. I gave up caffeine, lunch meats, and sushi. I had to decide how hard and how much exercise I would do. I was used to doing intense CrossFit workouts 5-6 days a week.

During the week of my first scheduled ultrasound (week 8), several people at my gym tested positive for Covid-19, and my partner started to feel unwell. I stopped going to the gym, and my partner was unable to attend the ultrasound appointment.

Thankfully, we were able to FaceTime during the appointment, and I was relieved to see a healthy and viable embryo in my uterus. However, the anxiety didn’t stop there.

Throughout my pregnancy, I worried about genetic testing, bloodwork, and the possibility of something going wrong. I cried during doctor’s appointments, worrying about everything from miscarriage to catching Covid-19.

I know worrying does nothing, but it’s hard to silence the anxious thoughts in my head. I try to find joy in the small things and am grateful for friends who offer a listening ear and words of comfort.

Despite the anxiety, I know that this is the journey I’m meant to be on, and no matter what happens, it will be worth it.