This can be a love letter to you, sure, but in addition to myself.
I used to be 31 and misplaced. Each facet of my life appeared like a failure. My retail job put me in a state of fixed stress. My house life was quietly unhealthy — my mother and I had been a bonded pair. On the time, I didn’t perceive codependency however I used to be deep in it. Since I used to be her emotional help, my mom was my primary relationship. And romantic life? What was that? My first kiss got here at 24, and after I advised my mom she burst into tears and mentioned, “I assumed you had been saving your self for marriage!” That was the start and finish of my having a sort-of boyfriend. Each route I turned, I felt like partitions stopped me. I hoped to finally meet my husband, my knight in shining armor, who would take me away from every part.
That’s till I met you.
Being raised within the non-denominational Christian church, you’re given two directions: wait and belief God. Watch for the person God has for you, and belief that God will come by means of for you. In the meantime, don’t speak about any deeper emotions you could have. Don’t query your religion. Positively don’t query your sexuality. I can solely describe the time earlier than I met you as being asleep. Assembly you was like opening my eyes and waking up for the primary time. You, a Black girl. Me, a Black girl. I didn’t suppose it was doable to understand I used to be queer at 31 – don’t folks determine this out earlier? Given my upbringing, although, it made sense. I had been taught to be quiet and obedient. To honor my father and mom. I had suppressed my emotions for a lot too lengthy.
I labored at a retailer within the suburbs, and also you had been the supervisor of the shop’s metropolis location. I stuffed in at your retailer someday in June. Every part modified once we met. You appeared — no, materialized — in a gown that made you appear like you had been floating beneath the solar streaming in by means of the home windows. Your lengthy braids shifted with each step. You seemed such as you didn’t have a care on the planet. This was earlier than I understood your confidence, the straightforward method you linked with folks, the depth of your gaze. You had been stunning. You’re stunning.
That day, I requested to talk with you privately, considering possibly you would assist me discover a sense of route in my profession. As we talked, you checked out me like I existed and that my existence was essential and profound. I described a earlier interview that had gone badly. You requested, “What occurred?” I tripped over my phrases to search out the fault in myself. “No, no,” you mentioned, “What occurred to make you are feeling such as you didn’t deserve an area at that desk?” Immediately I burst into tears. Till then, I had lived a small life, attempting to tiptoe by means of the world with out drawing consideration to a physique that took up an excessive amount of house and a persona that appeared like an excessive amount of. You seemed me in my eyes and known as me stunning. Nobody had ever known as me stunning. Nobody had held my gaze and requested me deep questions. I used to be so used to being invisible that touring by means of partitions had grow to be a interest. You known as my identify and it turned me strong.
Throughout that hourlong discuss, my soul was lit aflame. I used to be nearly afraid to the touch surfaces in case that fireside consumed them. There wasn’t sufficient I might find out about you; I wished to shut the house between us with my physique. Later that day, on a break, somebody set out a pan of brownies. As you walked by, I mentioned they had been what love tasted like, and also you stopped to sit down proper in entrance of me, exhaling by means of your mouth, trying me straight within the eyes. “Nicely, I assume I have to style them then.” I’m stunned the fireplace division didn’t arrive.
Earlier than, when you’d requested if love at first sight was actual, I’d have laughed condescendingly and advised you to manage your feelings. After assembly you, love felt like the one choice. Falling for you was the leap I’d been ready to take my complete life, even when ache would possibly exist on the opposite facet.
Nonetheless, I can’t describe what we had as a relationship. We by no means dated, by no means even kissed. Over the subsequent 12 months we talked on the cellphone once in a while. We noticed one another after I visited your retailer otherwise you visited mine. I savored these moments, and also you affirmed that our connection wasn’t simply in my head — brushing in opposition to me whereas we spoke, complimenting my glasses, telling me that you simply wished a relationship past work. In actuality, you had been providing me guarantees to a relationship you couldn’t uphold, and I had grow to be overinvested. Within the throes of determining one million newfound emotions surrounding being queer, I had positioned all my eggs in your basket.
After I realized we weren’t going to finish up collectively, I fell aside. Love, or what I had thought was love, shattered me, however that was a part of the method. As a result of it allowed me to piece myself again collectively accurately at 31. I’d thanks for seeing me, however actually you helped me see myself. Helped me ask myself questions till I lastly understood the reality: I’m a queer girl who doesn’t have to apologize for the house she occupies. If there’s a God who doesn’t make errors, then I’m not one.
Although it’s been years, I nonetheless wish to know you’re doing properly. Whereas the house in my coronary heart grows to accommodate extra love, there may be all the time a room reserved for you, door open, so you’ll be able to transfer freely as you please.
(Illustration by Abbey Lossing for Cup of Jo.)