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Apart from being alcohol-free, I am proud of myself for being open to new ways of understanding myself and others. It’s a significant shift from my previous behavior of wanting to be right all the time to feel safe.

I have inconsistencies in my beliefs about almost everything, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get everything right, but I am curious.

We often feel that we know ourselves and that our feelings are real and our knowledge is accurate.

One thing that I struggled with was defining myself as a sober person. It took me a while to let go of the shame attached to quitting alcohol. I did not want the stigma of a label. When I started this blog, I chose the name “UnPickled” to show that I was changed in a way that couldn’t be undone entirely. (Also, I hadn’t lost my sense of humor!)

As time went by, I realized that shame and stigma come from within us. It is the power we give to ideas and images. Books like I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) by Brene Brown, You Are Not So Smart by David McRaney, and Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller help shed light on patterns of human behavior that sometimes cause problems and how to deal with them.

When we realize that we are internalizing judgments about ourselves, thinking that we are bad people because we have done or said or thought things that we feel bad about. I’m a bad friend/parent/partner/human because I did ________.

In over 300 Bubble Hour interviews, I’ve heard people fill in that blank space with all sorts of things: passed out in the driveway, embarrassed my children, cheated, stole, wet my pants, betrayed a friend, failed at work, hurt others, hurt myself. I had my own list of evidence against myself, proof that I was certifiably terrible.

Sometimes, it feels better to beat ourselves up than to forgive and nurture.

What if we came to understand that the behavior is a sign of pain? What if we bravely lifted the rock to see what’s beneath? What if we stopped punishing ourselves and started healing and changing instead?

Yes, we have to take responsibility for our actions and make things right. But then we have to let them go and stop using them for self-identity. That’s how we free ourselves to grow.

I don’t shy away from the word “alcoholic” anymore. In some circles, it’s useful because it describes a mindset and lifestyle as a sober person. But I also recognize that other times, the word can elicit confusion or negativity. In those instances, there are better ways to describe my life: alcohol-free, in recovery, sober.

I am in charge of the language I choose to use, as well as the way I see myself.